VOICES OF INSANITY

My journey through this thing they call life

Nervous Nelly


I am beyond nervous about this move. Since the day i signed the offer I have had headaches basically every day and fell sick right after. Well the sickness had more to do with me being reckless and playin’ tonsil hockey with someone who was sick but regardless it doesn’t help the situation

Trying to find an apartment has been nothing short of a nightmare and for whatever reason the apartment managers never find the need to reply to an email in a time sensitive manner. Maybe its the holiday week, maybe it isn’t but either way I have reduced to becoming a fully functional walking ball of stress. Best part,  I cannot tell anything to anyone at work because this would then reduce the amount of hours I will get to work here ! Argh

This too will pass, this I know; but it cannot come soon enough.

~VOI

6 months in..


I guess I am moving to Cleveland… It will be fun not knowing a soul and not having a social support structure. I have no clue what the heck I am going to do and I sure as heck have no clue how to run this dept. that I should be running starting August. How the hell am I going to do this in a union shop of all places. Worst part yet, I am predominantly pro union but then I get to go in and be a manager and get viewed as a constant threat… How fun.

So the best part yet of this 2000+ mile move and road trip is actually moving. When I got divorced and moved out all I had was clothes. That was it. There was nothing more. I moved in with a friend who had a furnished spare bedroom and all I had to do was show up and say, ” Hey I will be staying here for a while”

Now I have to drag all this furniture and utensils and what not to go across the damn country to a place I have literally only been twice for a very very short stay. I think both trips get me a grand total of less than 96 hours there.  Oh and by all this furniture I mean a small dining table, 4 chairs, a couch and a bedroom set. I mean, let keep it real it isn’t all that much. Heck I am sure I could put it all in a pod and haul it myself but I think I will be working the first week of august and into the second week before leaving on the 3rd week.

Interesting times lay ahead is the least I can say. So lets recap 2017 real quick

  1. Broke up with a complete nut I was dating to the point where I was going what was I thinking when it was done. The fiscal damage was real but what i came to realize from it was invaluable.
  2. Got canned from a job because I was not the least bit apologetic for the things I did and said I would do it all over again. Lesson learned – Whatever it is , deny deny deny. Also, to calm down and not speak in anger. I mean, I knew this but …once I am in CLE maybe I will take up meditation or something.
  3. I have no idea what I am doing

I guess I get to stay and fight on.

~ VOI

Days till


3 more days for mercury to get out of retrograde , and if nothing else the communication gets better. So I’m told. I also wonder what this means in terms of my work since miscommunication is rife.

5 more days till my next appointment with my therapist which in all honesty could not have come any sooner. God knows I need the help.

7 more days till I start to move into my own place. I am so excited to get packing and moving all the hings I hauled from my old house to my friends apartment and now into my own apartment. This is so much fun because I have no free time to accomplish this is.

9 more days till the furniture is all delivered which has been instrumental in increasing the budgetary chaos in my life. Having said that if you are looking for mid century modern in Phoenix, AZ then Copenhagen Furniture is the place to go be poor at.

10 more days till I get a puppy and add more chaos to my chaotic life. Because you know, thats what i need in the middle of a move , the chaos at work, and personal life and the uncertainty around this current dalliance I find myself in.

12 more days till I am left all alone in the house with a new puppy and how on earth I will make that work is beyond me.

If nothing else this should make up for an exciting few days

~voi

 

2016 – In a nutshell


I reviewed 2015 last year and I think I should do the same for 2016.

1. We managed to get the home loan down to less than half – I got to walk away from it.

2. I managed to grow my first pecans, figs and kept the banana tree and the papaya plant in full bloom – And I got to walk away from those

3. I managed to eliminate my debt to a 1/3rd – and now it is back to a painful level

4. I managed to heal my left torn rotator cuff, I think I managed to injure the right one.

5. I managed to cling on to my job fighting baseless allegations . I almost let that go and walked away.

6. I got to vacation with Sofia in Vancouver. I would have done more had I known it would be the last time we were to travel together.

7. I got to live 7 years of my life with someone and have nothing to show for it, except a ring which I never wore, and honestly did not care for.

I am clearly feeling weak, I wish I could fix everything but I cannot. Here I am , alone, in a friends apartment, with not a thing to show for life, 7 years in. This too shall pass ?

~voi

New year , old problems.


The opposite of love is not hate, hate is love gone bad, or corrupted if you may. The opposite of love is apathy. While I may not have ever been apathetic to my ex, I went from loving you, to having love for you. I wish I knew why and how.

On that note, I caught myself thinking about my recent amorous liaison and where things were headed. I found myself fearful of 2 thing,

  1. I may be taken advantage of financially when I am already in a precarious position
  2. The extent of the feeling may not be mutual and that I may be in it more; though I am unsure of the importance of an emotion that is all or none.

As I wound up thinking of this, I found myself perturbed (and understandably so) and this caused much mental angst. Then I found this causing much skepticism and making me over analyze what was and what was not. I felt this great need to control the situation, control the events and the emotions and the greater this need was the greater my angst was at my inability to do so.

I then realized, amidst all my efforts to manipulate the situation and  attempts to engineer it to bring about a desired outcome of which I myself was not sure what I wanted I had failed to enjoy the fleeting moment in which this emotion existed. The time I spent worrying about potential long term outcomes in a situation on which I have no control caused me to not enjoy that feeling of love, whatever its extent and that moment was not coming back. I found myself slipping back into the age old problem of wanting permanence or willfully wanting to suffer the illusion of one,  when nothing is. Nothing.

I guess what I was getting to is all we have is this fleeting moment of happiness and that we shouldn’t lose it to overthinking. Now I understand the need to be skeptical and not be overindulgent but the cards have been dealt. Whether I like it or not the game is afoot and I can chose to look at my hand and play it the best I can or just worry about the cards. Either way, they have been dealt.

I am at a point where I know full well that there isn’t another round to play, might as well go all in. It is not like you can take them home with you, whatever that home may or maynot be.

~voi

 

 

 

 

 

 

& 7 months later


Well then, lets talk about a whirlwind. In the past 7 months two things have stood out as far as events in my life go.

  1. Getting divorced. One day I realized I had enough and I could not keep up with my lying and cheating, not just on her but with myself. It has been over for years but I just had to grow up and accept it. Here I am, 37, divorced, with not a thing to my name. The year ahead promises to be entertaining at the least.
  2. HR nightmare. This one seems like a recurrent bad dream. I dont see why someone is out to get me, but they sure as hell seem like it. They sure have not given up and I sure as hell have not quit so this will be continuing. So far I have been falsely accused of harassment, discrimination and just whatever else comes to their mind. At this point they should just come out in the open and mutiny but then that would mean that I think they have the courage and wherewithal to do that.

So now what ? Where to from here ? I managed to move into an apartment with my friend and will move into my own in the next month or so.  So much more to write but I am going to have to leave. At least I managed to write a few words today. Hopefully I can try making this a practice.

Weekend to weekend


What a week this has been. It has been insightful and this is why – I have never been all in. I always hedge my bets. I play both sides of everything and while I am not going to make excuses about it, I have always been sacred of failure. What’s life without a fall back plan – that is how I lived. I have played one against another, and adeptly at that, long enough to survive and thrive.

One of those things in which I never went all in, is becoming a citizen. This meant renouncing my original one and I was not sold on the idea and nor was I sold on the idea that the unites states presented. The more and more the layers of veneer get stripped away the uglier the reality became. There may be no true utopia I yearn for, there may be no place that I would want to commit to – but if my sister in her bubble like view of the world brings my parents over I will have to commit. There is no turning back, and while the US may be well on its path to being in a praetorian guard phase of the decaying roman empire, I will have to go all in and succeed. I think the time has come, once the planets align I will apply for citizenship.

Another thing I have not gone all in is at work – I have played my director against the staff and the staff against whoever I have had to play them to so that I can hold on to my post as I learn the minutiae of the inner dealings of what I need to do to be successful. It has been akin to playing with fire while doused in gasoline and while the pure chaos and absurdity of it has been exhilarating it has also been tiring. Once Mars is off retrograde on June 29th (not May 29th as I previously stated) I will have to reassess what it is I want to do. At this point, I will have completed a year at my current position and the record of the most years at the post is my current manager at 8. Knowing what I know now, I am impressed by her tenacity, but then again,  I do not see myself doing this much longer. I will need to last 5 years, with this firm, another 2.5 are due but in what capacity I am not sure. Only time will tell.

I am rambling now, I should stop. I need to do this more often for it to be therapeutic so I dont go down rabbit holes , like I have tonight.

~voi

PS: For me in my birth chart Mars is in Aquarius

 

Bugs


Darn bugs, they seem, to be everywhere. While moving 2 larger pots I managed to find some black weevil larvae at the bottom of one of the pots. Cant blame the bugs it was nice and cool down there, and I can see why they were chillin’ like a villain down there. Anyhoo this means now I have to deal with it. I think I will have to call in the nematodes and hope that this kills the darn thing. I also got the Scanmask which had a lot of positive reviews on Amazon. I did go thru most of the pot, and mind you this is a big cloth sack I call a pot kinda thing, and has more dirt in it than I care to start thinking about, and managed to get about 6-7 of them. This was fortuitous since this would have been a huge problem had they all hit maturity and decided to have little bug families of their own.

The good part is , thanks to Amazon, it will be in here tomorrow and well, the bugs have started this war by attacking my plants and so this is theirs to lose ! You know with Mercury in retrograde and all that ! Speaking of bugs, today is make it rain for your doc’ day and I have a few doctors appointments. How fun! On the bright side, I do get the day off and get to finish up a few things around the house before the darn prolotherapy puts me in misery.

~voi

Weekend


Its the weekend. I did nothing.. well almost nothing. I managed to install a drip irrigation line from a hose outside which was not used and then connect them to all the external pots that was not getting water all along. This was quite an undertaking for me and while it was simple in itself given the basic work I did, it was time consuming. I could not believe that the amount that someone would charge to do this while it can be done in no time if I had someone to help me and I had done this before. I ran the hose along the periphery of the wall and used a feeder tube to supply water to the pots that needed it. I also managed to move some rather giant pots I had around and in the process found more bugs than I could have wanted.

While the task was easy it literally took all morning and went well into the afternoon. On the bright side I got all the vitamin D that I need and that will be the most I will be going out anytime in the immediate future. It was nice to be outside as opposed to being cooped up inside the office under the unflattering glow of cfls staring at a screen.

I also managed to tape up some trees to prevent sun damage, and  as I reflect back on the day, the irony of not wearing any sun screen is not lost upon me  ! I also managed to stake back a rose tree/bush which had been drooping over for way too long and this actually spruced up the front of the house as well.

Now to actually run the system for a few days and see how it works out. There is one little quirk where a point drains out into nowhere which I have yet to try and duct tape or find another solution but so far that is the only little glitch in the overall effort.

On the bright side, I think it is the bright side, Mercury  goes off retrograde today and on May 29th Mars goes off retrograde. Mercury in retrograde normally means communications go haywire but isnt that always true. Anyway, this done, and well, Mars, the God of War <sex, whatever> is going to be going to be intense. Starting off in Saggitaruis, a fire sign to Scorpio, a sign it rules should be interesting. I’m told that it is unwise to start a war when Mars is in retrograde but that doesn’t mean one does not defend oneself. If nothing else I guess I can lay the foundation of  the next strike.

~voi