It really has been a case of just this. I have fallen so far off the track , so far down the path, it looks like a tiny speck in a distance, one that might as well have been just in my mind. My mind is so weak, so beat down, it keeps looking for meaning in everything, yet I find nothing. I don’t even know what I am looking for to be completely truthful. I do not know if any of the decisions I made are right, but what good does that do ? I mean it is not like I can change anything. Everything seems so off..
I am so lost, I really do not know anymore where I was going, but I am moving ahead forging ahead mercilessly without stopping to think because when I stop and think, this happens.. the emptiness returns. I cannot have that so I work 16 hours a day and fatigue my brain with mindless challenges that make me work harder and harder to a random end point that gets shifted further and further out each day.
I need time for introspection but I fear it. I fear it and I do not know what to do.. The first step is accepting it.. and while I cannot say I have accepted it, I am considering it.