VOICES OF INSANITY

My journey through this thing they call life

Archive for ‘January, 2017’

Days till


3 more days for mercury to get out of retrograde , and if nothing else the communication gets better. So I’m told. I also wonder what this means in terms of my work since miscommunication is rife.

5 more days till my next appointment with my therapist which in all honesty could not have come any sooner. God knows I need the help.

7 more days till I start to move into my own place. I am so excited to get packing and moving all the hings I hauled from my old house to my friends apartment and now into my own apartment. This is so much fun because I have no free time to accomplish this is.

9 more days till the furniture is all delivered which has been instrumental in increasing the budgetary chaos in my life. Having said that if you are looking for mid century modern in Phoenix, AZ then Copenhagen Furniture is the place to go be poor at.

10 more days till I get a puppy and add more chaos to my chaotic life. Because you know, thats what i need in the middle of a move , the chaos at work, and personal life and the uncertainty around this current dalliance I find myself in.

12 more days till I am left all alone in the house with a new puppy and how on earth I will make that work is beyond me.

If nothing else this should make up for an exciting few days

~voi

 

2016 – In a nutshell


I reviewed 2015 last year and I think I should do the same for 2016.

1. We managed to get the home loan down to less than half – I got to walk away from it.

2. I managed to grow my first pecans, figs and kept the banana tree and the papaya plant in full bloom – And I got to walk away from those

3. I managed to eliminate my debt to a 1/3rd – and now it is back to a painful level

4. I managed to heal my left torn rotator cuff, I think I managed to injure the right one.

5. I managed to cling on to my job fighting baseless allegations . I almost let that go and walked away.

6. I got to vacation with Sofia in Vancouver. I would have done more had I known it would be the last time we were to travel together.

7. I got to live 7 years of my life with someone and have nothing to show for it, except a ring which I never wore, and honestly did not care for.

I am clearly feeling weak, I wish I could fix everything but I cannot. Here I am , alone, in a friends apartment, with not a thing to show for life, 7 years in. This too shall pass ?

~voi

New year , old problems.


The opposite of love is not hate, hate is love gone bad, or corrupted if you may. The opposite of love is apathy. While I may not have ever been apathetic to my ex, I went from loving you, to having love for you. I wish I knew why and how.

On that note, I caught myself thinking about my recent amorous liaison and where things were headed. I found myself fearful of 2 thing,

  1. I may be taken advantage of financially when I am already in a precarious position
  2. The extent of the feeling may not be mutual and that I may be in it more; though I am unsure of the importance of an emotion that is all or none.

As I wound up thinking of this, I found myself perturbed (and understandably so) and this caused much mental angst. Then I found this causing much skepticism and making me over analyze what was and what was not. I felt this great need to control the situation, control the events and the emotions and the greater this need was the greater my angst was at my inability to do so.

I then realized, amidst all my efforts to manipulate the situation and  attempts to engineer it to bring about a desired outcome of which I myself was not sure what I wanted I had failed to enjoy the fleeting moment in which this emotion existed. The time I spent worrying about potential long term outcomes in a situation on which I have no control caused me to not enjoy that feeling of love, whatever its extent and that moment was not coming back. I found myself slipping back into the age old problem of wanting permanence or willfully wanting to suffer the illusion of one,  when nothing is. Nothing.

I guess what I was getting to is all we have is this fleeting moment of happiness and that we shouldn’t lose it to overthinking. Now I understand the need to be skeptical and not be overindulgent but the cards have been dealt. Whether I like it or not the game is afoot and I can chose to look at my hand and play it the best I can or just worry about the cards. Either way, they have been dealt.

I am at a point where I know full well that there isn’t another round to play, might as well go all in. It is not like you can take them home with you, whatever that home may or maynot be.

~voi