New year , old problems.


The opposite of love is not hate, hate is love gone bad, or corrupted if you may. The opposite of love is apathy. While I may not have ever been apathetic to my ex, I went from loving you, to having love for you. I wish I knew why and how.

On that note, I caught myself thinking about my recent amorous liaison and where things were headed. I found myself fearful of 2 thing,

  1. I may be taken advantage of financially when I am already in a precarious position
  2. The extent of the feeling may not be mutual and that I may be in it more; though I am unsure of the importance of an emotion that is all or none.

As I wound up thinking of this, I found myself perturbed (and understandably so) and this caused much mental angst. Then I found this causing much skepticism and making me over analyze what was and what was not. I felt this great need to control the situation, control the events and the emotions and the greater this need was the greater my angst was at my inability to do so.

I then realized, amidst all my efforts to manipulate the situation and  attempts to engineer it to bring about a desired outcome of which I myself was not sure what I wanted I had failed to enjoy the fleeting moment in which this emotion existed. The time I spent worrying about potential long term outcomes in a situation on which I have no control caused me to not enjoy that feeling of love, whatever its extent and that moment was not coming back. I found myself slipping back into the age old problem of wanting permanence or willfully wanting to suffer the illusion of one,  when nothing is. Nothing.

I guess what I was getting to is all we have is this fleeting moment of happiness and that we shouldn’t lose it to overthinking. Now I understand the need to be skeptical and not be overindulgent but the cards have been dealt. Whether I like it or not the game is afoot and I can chose to look at my hand and play it the best I can or just worry about the cards. Either way, they have been dealt.

I am at a point where I know full well that there isn’t another round to play, might as well go all in. It is not like you can take them home with you, whatever that home may or maynot be.

~voi

 

 

 

 

 

 

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