VOICES OF INSANITY

My journey through this thing they call life

Retrospection


In retrospect, yesterday’s unmitigated cluster that tried masquerade as a day was a wonderful learning moment. I’m not quite done blaming people  (although I will be in due course) but I have opened up to realizing the beautiful learning opportunity that it was. You could not find a better example of making a hospital wide change under duress if you tried looking for one.

So for the next time I do this or any other change process, and I know that there will be many more to come, I know to include the people I did not include in on the discussions and considering all the aspects that I needed to consider for each change process. (See I am taking responsibility for some parts of it, and some of others as well..)

I know this sounds like the change has been successfully completed but there is so much more to do and so much more learning to be had. Overall I think this is a positive thing, and the outcome will be a useful lesson to remember for a long time.

Did I mention that in the middle of the chaos I managed to figure out how to generate a custom report from scratch in 10 minutes or less in DA ? Sure I had some help but it was minimal at best and I think I tried harder because I did not want to be seen as incompetent by the person I reached out to . Now that was impressive for myself as well ! I feel like I do so much better under pressure, no matter how much I tend to complain about it .

~voi

PS: I would have rather learned from others mistakes !

Cluster continues


And I thought yesterday was bad. 6 call outs, incompetent people leaving work they should have done yesterday in a timely manner for me to deal with and the joy in knowing that they get paid more than I do. That was today. I looked visibly beat up, so much so I had someone come in and tell me they thought I needed to go for a walk or take a break so that I don’t fall apart. I didn’t think I did but I  sure did come close.

So what does one do after a day like that, go to happy hour with the same people he should not be socializing with according to HR. Well I have some choice words to say to them but the last HR liaison we had was one of the nicest people I’ve met in a while and so I really cannot hate on them just as much as I used to. On the bright side in about 15 days I start my photography course at the local community college and I am looking forward to it.

And for the nth month in a row I get to be on call. I think this is month 9 maybe we are on. Just great. Monday should be fun, asking for more money always is more entertaining than people think. Its not incumbent upon me to make the case for lesser pay, its on them and all I have to do is prove them wrong. Nothing could be more fun than taking 3 -4 weeks off and leaving to India and getting back and asking them how it worked out for them.

Ah one can only dream. .. ~ voi

Mid life continued…


I think .. I think, I have had enough of my work. It has been a long grueling day full of what can only be kindly described as challenges. I remember of the six sigma types preaching that one had to plan 80% the day, and I have diligently tried this. I have come up with what has to be the most incorrect way to do this. I plan, and very correctly so, that 80% of my day will be filled with unmitigated chaos. Not just the mild, harmless chaos of a preschool full of kids at lunch time, but the unimaginable nerve-racking chaos of a war zone in Somalia kind of chaos.

While that may be a slight exaggeration of the facts it is the closest I can get to describing my work. Everyday, without fail, something goes wrong. What piece of equipment that is mission critical breaks down, when I need staff the most, not one but 3-4 call out. When you scurry and cover those , then something that used to be a one email process breaks down into a 30 email chain with everyone and their mother giving you an explanation of why things will not work.

Today marked the epitome of that day, I felt like I had been beat down from every angle possible for the longest time and each time I crawled back up, something new dropped. And I found my self in this oddly familiar spot of wanting to leave no matter who said what. That no matter who, in this matter is my astrologer.. I understand that not everyone believes in it, or has even consulted one in their life times. But when you have them predict an accident years ahead of time, to the year and month give or take a few months, and also tell you how severe it will be then you start to believe in it.

I am at that cross roads again, wondering where to now. This too shall pass, I tell myself. The real question however is what will be of me when this has passed if I am to persist in the same spot.

 

Mid life.


Because I cannot talk to anyone at work, I am not allowed to have any friends and my friends , so called, have found a way to somehow hurt me I guess I will come back to the blog. I have wanted to write everyday and well, I have also wanted to go to the gym every day this year but that just started yesterday so I guess this is where we are at. Almost mid year, doing that mid life thing well past mid life.

 

I do not know anymore where things are going. Looking back, I always thought I had time to correct my flow and steer my ship in the right direction. Now I am looking back and wondering what the hell just happened in the past few years.

Since 2007 life has been a blur. Grad school was a blur, I don’t remember much of it. The subsequent program and few years, don’t remember anything significant either. Then there is this past 7 years. I really don’t know where any of it has gone. It has all been a haze. I feel like i have been dragged into a foggy marsh and I am unable to wade out of this. It feels like I have been walking for miles but then at the same time it feels like I haven’t moved.

Maybe I have, maybe I am not self aware. I do not know anymore. I feel like I need to escape and I am not sure where or now. I know I have said this before but I feel like I have never been so lost in my life.

One day at a time , I will get thru this. Now if I can pass thru the junction I am in then it will be better.